By | 26.09.2018

Apologise, how soon to start dating after spouse dies share your

How Sheryl Sandberg Found the Courage to Date After Her Husband's Death - SuperSoul Sunday - OWN

Sometime after the death of your spouse, you will think about dating, especially if you liked being married. This may be in a month; it may be in five years. Whenever you start, you'll probably feel guilty, like you're cheating on your wife, husband, or partner. Even if your spouse said she wanted you to date again, you will feel odd about asking someone out. And when that first kiss comes, a whole bucket of emotion is going to spill. Women typically aren't in a hurry to date because they have a larger circle of friends where they can share their grief. Men, not so much.

Whereas the newly broken up or divorced are free to take the field again as soon as they like, the widowed must navigate religious, family and community rules on the subject, and they vary. Stereotypes say that men date sooner and remarry more quickly than women do, and there is statistical validity in this. But, having children or not, being younger or older and your general state of resiliency in the face of tragedy plays into this as well.

Younger widowed date and remarry sooner, and at higher rates, than older ones. Once a widow hits 65, the odds for remarriage fall off sharply. Widowed with children date and remarry with ease or not depending on the age of the children, and believe it or not — adult children can be the worst to deal with when it comes to dating and remarriage with teenagers coming in an unsurprising second. At what magical point in the days, weeks or month after a spouse dies is dating permitted?

Then it was back to online with Cupid. The majority of men I met through it were varying degrees of depressing in their hunt for on-call girlfriends. It was while taking a break from dating that Rob appeared. More widowed than will admit to it try to date at some point within the first year. Some people even begin dating with weeks or a few months. You can date whenever you like. Generally, if you have good, supportive relationships with kids, extended family and friends, this will all work out and they will be happy and supportive.

Your kids are not. Try to avoid a revolving door of dates where underage kids are concerned. Only introduce them to people you feel you have a future with, and when you do, expect them to behave like well-brought up humans. If problems arise with adult children, remind them that they should spend their time and energy minding their own lives. If you are in the market for more — act like you are. Playing the widow card in the relationship arena is a no-no.

Or even ever want to. Some widowed find contentment and even a lot of joy in being single and unattached. The point is that the days of donning mourning for public displays of grieving for specific periods of time are long over. Anyone who is spouting rules and timelines at you has an ulterior agenda, and you are within your rights to question them and it.

My wife lost her mom in March of this year after a decade long illness. Her dad decided to start dating 3 weeks after his wife died. There was no funeral or memorial or anything. Just had her remains cremated. It was a tough loss for my wife and her siblings and for him. My father in law had a good relationship with my wife. We all got along actually. Until he decided to date again.

Does he have the right to a new relationship after his loss? He is an adult as are we, and he is entitled to live his life. She is still grieving and the wounds are fresh. One day she decides she is ready to take that step and go over. As she walks through the front door she finds her fathers new girlfriends belongings. Coats, shoes in the front door closet, she sees his home redecorated with little things here and there.

She finds a few outfits of the girlfriend in her fathers bedroom closet where her mothers clothes were. And makeup and various things of hers under his bathroom sink. He decided that her face was no longer welcome in his home anymore.

Fast forward 4 and a half months later. In all this time he has dropped all contact with her despite her numerous phone calls, emails, fathers day cards, flowers and a 5 page letter to try and make things right. Dam right they can. In days past in our society and still in many cultures around the world, boundaries in grieving were instituted, because they respect EVERYONE involved in grieving the deceased. A year of mourning used to be the norm in our culture.

Our culture has lost sight of that. Well sure you can. But its an underlying selfish motive at its most basic level and gives little consideration to anyone else. How is this a good thing? I am sorry that your wife and her father are estranged. However, I stand by my views. I can agree with your some of your views to a point. In my wifes situation, her mothers belongings were everywhere in their family home.

There was no snooping as you may have been led to believe. She was permitted to go through her mothers belongings and was invited several times to do so. Its just unfortunate that her father instead of dealing with his grief has none other than decided to acquire a rebound girlfriend and shun the rest of the family for calling him out on it. His actions have shown much disrespect to my wifes family. Was that hard on us kids? He talked to each of us beforehand and we expressed our concerns, but then we let him live his life.

They celebrated their 23rd anniversary this year and are still going strong. On the other side of that coin, my own wife passed away at a relatively young age, and I remarried just over a year later.

You and your wife have zero right to tell your father-in-law how he should or should not grieve, and you are the ones that have caused the rift in the family, not him.

And yeah, I would probably have some not-very-nice things to say after that as well. For the sake of your family, I encourage you and your wife to sit down with your father-in-law, apologize for trying to run his life, and then make the best effort you can to get to know his new girlfriend — not as a replacement for your mother-in-law, but as her own person.

Your message is probably pending approval but I wanted to reply to your comment. First and foremost let me offer my sympathies on the passing of your late mother and wife. Your thoughts and views on the topic at hand are indeed valuable as you have experienced both losses. I think in our situation it really boils down to the fact that my father in law is the type of person to make quick decisions and normally has not been the type of person to consider how his actions may affect others.

He is an adult approaching 60 and he certainly is entitled to live his life as he wishes. As a side note, the 1 year grieving subject never was brought up in conversation with him. This was just an observation on my part, of times past that seemed to show respect and consideration to ALL persons involved in grieving the deceased. It is still practiced in many cultures around the world I might add.

In retrospect as my wife has discussed with me, her father has always placed honesty as a value of highest priority in his home and raising his family. My wife and I both would have been okay with his new girlfriend, even though we are not happy with the timing, if he had just been honest about his involvement with her.

We are all adults. I completely back my wife for feeling lied to and she is completely justified feeling betrayed by finding the new girlfriends things right next to her mothers belongings throughout her childhood home so shortly after her mom died. We live blocks away from each other and would regularly visit 2 or 3 times a week and have for years. Now it has abruptly been changed from a place of family togetherness to being told we are both not welcome there anymore.

Again thank you for your perspective. I have and still am considering some of the ideas you have shared. I do wish you and your wife and father-in-law all the best and hope you are all able to work things out in the end. Lots of widowed folk date and even find new long term partners in the first year of widowhood.

There is no right way to grieve. I lost my wife of 37 years 3 weeks ago. She had been ill for the past year with a disease that caused her body the destroy her own red blood cells. This past year she had been givin a total of 18 units of blood, along with many infusions of chemo type products.

When they would treat one symptom a different symptom would pop up. We always thought they would get it cured but we were still realistic enough to know it could all go bad at anytime. They say what happened to her had a. My point is, even though we were sure it would be all right we still talked about what-if. So for the past 6 months with that in mind we discussed it both ways her or me. So we made plans for both of us.

Bottom line is that we agreed that the other one must go on with life. We talked about most everything. Selling property, the other one relocating closer to our kids. But one of the most important things was they the other one should not live the rest their life alone.

And never feel bad about going on with their life in the best way possible. One of which is to find someone the share my life with. A new partner in life. I am very confident she would approve. I am sorry for your loss. You are fortunate though that you had the time together to really talk about what you wanted for each other. It has only been 6 weeks, I am widowed at I lost my husband unexpectedly 13 days short of our 8th wedding anniversary.

We had been together for I was appalled by this behavior! Now I sit in an identifiable situation as to losing a spouse. Let me say this from my own experience…the Loneliness a widow feels is excruciating. The word lonely is putting it mildly.

This is how I ended up here, reading, posting…etc My heart still is hurting, my brain is still trying to wrap my head around it, my loneliness now is what I feel on a constant. So as far as others opinions, like in-laws,children or even old friends , unless you have walked in my shoes on my path of loneliness…I want everyone to realize how lonely loneliness actually is. My husband just passed 3 weeks ago. Im a widow at age We were married 29 years and I married him in high school.

He and us is all I have ever known. I just feel like I am in a whirlwind and overwhelmed with decision-making finances, stuff, relationships.

I feel like my life has never been so disorganized. Thank you for your post. Dear one, I do know your loneliness as I too lost my first husband at age 42 and now 3 and a half months ago, my second husband. It still hurts knowing it was going to happen or something that happened suddenly. I have had both experiences. Life gives us all unexpected stories.

We need to realize we are in charge of that life and move forward as best we can. It is easy to tell someone not to be lonely or sad when they may not have ever gone through the same experience. The only things that I found that helped was keeping busy and being around people.

That does not necessarily mean having a job or being with family. It really is a difficult place to be. So give yourself some time and as people were telling me, take care of yourself. Bless all of you going through this painful time. Let time work for you. Take time to heal! I started dating a widower 5 months after his wife had passed. He started dating about a month after she died. He had a few very short relationships. We dated for 6 months then he fell into deep depression. He decided he did not know if he loved me as he confused about all his feelings due to the depression.

He states he knows that he deeply cares about me. I had just finally been welcomed by his kids and his friends who were also close to his wife. It was a rocky beginning in that respect. We had a great relationship.

Lots of love and loving acts. People would comment all the time, that they could tell we had a special bond his friends and mine.

Dating Etiquette After Spouse Dies

When he went into depression he said he needed a break. It has been a month and I am heart broken. He is still in depression and does not see the light. He says he wanted and wants our relationship to work past this.

We are not together now. I truly love him and want to be understanding. He states he thinks his grief took over and has pulled him into this depression. He wants to be better. I guess I just need some words of encouragement. We have so much in common and had a great love, that we both miss.

When we dated he took off is wedding ring, took down pictures not all of course, mostly in his room where we were intimate started to move forward. I tried not to push him. The one thing I did tell him was that I did not feel comfortable in his room until it was only his room.

I told him there was no time limit, it could be weeks, months, years. It just made me feel so weird, as if we were having an affair. He had taken most of the stuff down before this conversation but apparently this conversation triggered his depression. He said I am not to blame, it was bound to happen.

Just remember this is your life and relationship too. Keep your best interests in mind. I hope things work out the way you want them to.

Realize grief does not have a time limit. So easy to say but hard to follow. Is he seeing anyone for his depression?

Has he been to a grief counselor? And not just an everyday counselor! They need to be a very strong counselor in adult grieving. Sounds like he needs to be on some meds not a bad thing as it may put him in a clearer focus as to what he is experiencing but not get in his way of healing. You are a strong person to realize he needs some space but at the same time you want to be there for him.

Hard place to be! That is a hard time for the grieving. Best of luck to you both. Grieving is a very difficult experience to go thru. Hang in there with him.

Dating After Death

He WILL appreciate it. Grieving does not start always at the instant of death. Watching someone with a serious long term disease over the years is grieving, too. The time of grieving is experienced by the one who lives with his spouse. This is an old post, but I just wanted to leave a comment and say how much this blog has helped me. My mother-in-law passed away just over four months ago, and my father-in-law started seeing his next door neighbor, if I had to guess, a couple months ago.

I think my sister-in-law and I have struggled with it the most, although I know it bugs my husband. It upset all of us. I honestly started to believe she had her eyes on him the whole time my mil was ill and was just using him. I became upset to the point of tears and imagined every nasty thing I could say to both of them. Why was I taking this so personally?

I wanted him to move on and be happy, but only when we deemed it appropriate and with a woman WE approved of. How silly is that? That would just cause resentment. I do feel that we all deserve the time we need to grieve, so if my husband or sil is not ready to have her over for their Bdays, then I feel his father and gf should be respectful of that.

And I believe his father will be. Anyway, I appreciate your writings on this topic. The way you felt is how most family feels more or less. Let her succeed or fail on her own merits. Hi, my wife passed away last year after a long battle with cancer. We were together for 7 years but she was sick for over 4 of those years.

I have a very positive outlook and while I miss my wife a lot, I feel that I am young and I want to make the most of my life. I guess I need to set up a proper profile and start chatting to women and going on a few dates. One thing I have noticed that I am getting a bit more attention from single ladies recently. I was out in a bar recently with friends and I met someone I dated years ago.

Dating After a Death or Divorce

She is single and was very chatty and ended up moving to sit close to where we were, etc. Then added me as a friend on FB a day later.

I have had a few similar encounters recently also. I have met some really nice ladies in social settings, some for the first time and others who I know, who are extremely nice and very considerate and had some really nice conversations with but I was unsure if they were just being nice to me because I am a widower or whether they are actually interested in dating, etc. One person really interests me.

I know her for years but not very well. She is divorced with kids and I recently met her a few times while out socially. She was very friendly and we had a few nice conversations and she asked how I am getting on and some stuff about my late wife. She is very pretty and we have a lot of mutual friends and interests so I feel it might work.

I will be meeting her again in a few weeks at an event. What should I do? You should ask her out to coffee or something else that low-pressure. My wife who was my best friend died in January We had been high school sweethearts and best friends for 30 years.

Her death was sudden and unexpected. My children and I are very close. We grieved hard for several weeks. There were days I felt like I could not breathe. As a few months passed I realized I had a few options. I could marinate in my sadness which i had been doing , I could end my own life, or I could attempt to move my life forward.

I chose the third option and slowly attempted to get my life in order. I grieve every day.

I cry every day. I will never completely get over the loss i suffered. I love my late wife and I always will.

In a moment of lonely weakness, I created a profile on a dating app. I made sure to be clear that I was recently widowed. I made a few friends and met a couple people for drinks. One in particular, I have fallen for. We have a great time together. We really seemed to click. I knew it was way too soon only a few months after my wife died. I was open with my daughters about what I was doing and at first they were supportive.

When it was just an idea, or just texting with a new friend…they were fine. They are not too happy about it. They have, the entire time, refused to meet her. Even during the friend stage. She wants me around, just in case her friends leave and she needs something. So that tears me up. I never wanted to hurt either of them. We have both suffered different loss.

She lost a mom. She was eventually leaving the house and leaving her mom and me to pursue her own life. I lost a spouse. I was eventually going to spend the rest of my life with her mom and have a lifelong companion. I was not ever planning on leaving that. I plan on continuing to date this girl and hope that eventually my daughters will understand.

I will tell my in-laws about it and go public to everyone in a couple months. That will be the 6 month mark. I know people will judge me. I feel it already. People will always tell you they want you to get better, feel better, and keep your life moving forward. But, everyone has their own idea of how that looks and if you differ from their idea…the will judge you. All i can do is follow my heart and do what i think is right.

Her feelings and viewpoint are perfectly normal and so are yours. My husband and his youngest played on a rec volleyball team together. Things generally work out. Time, patience and occasionally reminding everyone that you are still an adult capable of deciding what he wants for himself. Please, may I share some insights?

I lost a dear friend almost three years ago. Her husband also a dear friend found a new love in six months and remarried six months after that. Just six months after her death he was crazy in love again and acting like a teenager, he was so giddily happy.

THAT is exactly what killed me—I was, and am, still grieving her loss and he replaced her in 26 mere weeks! And I mean he did, indeed, replace her by his actions and words. I could not attend the wedding and have since drifted away from our friendship. So I grieve that loss too. His first wife of 27 years is truly dead and gone.

I never saw him look at his first wife the way he looks at his new one. He claims he deeply loved my friend, but like I said, I never saw him treat her the way he does the new one. The ache of loss is still wretched for me and her family and friends. Your daughters can never replace their mom—that ache and loss is unending. Watching you move on when they cannot is beyond expression in depth and anguish. We remain in the abyss of pain and sorrow while he and you are now in utter merriment, passion and joy.

It hurts on top of the existing hurt more than you can comprehend. Yes, you deserve to find happiness…. The least you can do is validate their pain and listen with an open heart to their concerns. Take their counsel into consideration.

My heart goes out to you all; well, mostly your daughters whose grief cannot be eased by your new girlfriend, and in fact, is worsened.

That gives them a feeling that something in all this sadness is in their control, which is so very necessary in the months and years ahead. Remember, when your wife suddenly died your family was irrevocably changed in a sad and devastating way.

Then when you bring a new person into your heart and life, you further change it irrevocably. No one was ready for the first change, and only you are ready for the second. The rest are still in the days when it hurts to breathe.

But I stand by my assertion that granting our children veto power over our personal lives is a bad idea always. Aside from my youngest, I have no blood ties to anyone that I know of. All relationships to me are a choice. And I chose to marry their Dad — who willingly accepted fatherhood again his kids were grown and mine was in preschool and I saw no reason not to do the same.

Even though they were grieving, they decided that the long term was more important than the short-term and they accepted, supported and moved on with us rather than disappearing or trying to make trouble. I was 11 months out when I met my husband and he was just four. We were friends and then we decided to pursue a relationship. All family, friends and most importantly, our children were kept in the loop.

Six months later we married. We will celebrate our tenth anniversary soon. One last thing I want to address. Widowed people I know who have remarried and I know many however, often take the time to express their feelings more than they did because they know how precarious life is and that it can be over in an instant. Thanks for sharing Jennifer.

I lost the one person I was supposed to grow old with, spend my golden years with, share my deepest thoughts and dreams with for the rest of my life. I lost the every day of my life for the rest of my life person. This loss is so much different than anything anyone not in this position can possibly begin to understand. Had I not been in this position myself, I can see how someone could miss understand the whole thing.

I recognized that I would have judged someone in my position a little too. But, having lived through it from this end, I seen things a little different. I hardly feel that is fair to request the person who must trudge forward in this situation they did not foresee being in, to do so in a somber manner at all times so you are not offended. I agree with Ann when she says that the survivor sees life as being short and fleeting. If I find something in my remaining time on earth could seriously only be minutes that I love, should I not embrace that and love it fully.

Maybe the surviving spouse learned a valuable lesson about being more affectionate with loved ones while they are still alive not true in my case as my late wife and I were very affectionate and told each other how much we loved one another on a daily, if not more, basis. I will grieve that loss for the rest of my life. I still cry every day. I still think about her every day. I know that It will be a long time before I could consider myself a completely whole person again.

But I also know that life is short and love and companionship are important things to me. Nobody, including her friends, is more upset about that than I. If my happiness pisses people off, so be it. Life is too short. BK, I just lost my husband of 29 years, 3 weeks ago. It is such a hard time, and I have lost my parents and friends, but you are right.

Losing the person who you love the most is not even in the same ballpark. He had cancer for 2 years and some of that time was caring for him at the end. I loved him and showed him I loved him until his last breath. Those years were spent knowing he was fading, but spending every moment as much as possible, in the moment with laughter, memories, and what our plans were.

No one can fathom what that is like, except those who have been in that position. Now that he is gone, I feel somewhat incomplete. I have to go through his material things and sort them as we talked about. I have so many things that seem disorganized in my life now from finances, my home do I downsize, sell or rent , property upkeep by myself, material things, relationships, etc. It is a very trying time. Once I feel like I am getting my balance back and know who I am as a single person.

I think I would like to slowly date. My children nor my friends will be able to dictate when or whom I date. Only other widows and possibly folks who were abandoned by a partner , could truly understand how this feels. I thoroughly enjoyed your posts. Your viewpoint was well written and very touching and real. I just lost my husband; truly he was the love of my life; he was my everything. We were married for 12 years; together for 15 and friends for 7 years prior.

Our kids grew up together in our home. I thought I had done all I could to help them through his painful death and the weeks that followed. I am very close to his friends though and they are so supportive as well as disheartened because my husband would have been devastated. So — all I wanted to add was that when this happens part of you die too. I can tell you that after going through what I did over these last four months — I want to run away — anywhere- and somehow take my husband — our remembered life and try and figure it out.

I also want to be away — forget this , forget everything- maybe start new — but — there is that vulnerability, grief and guilt. It makes your perspective tilt; its unimaginable. Perhaps time will help you. A friend of mine — also a pastor helped me by reminding me that those who die immediately find peace and incredible love, your friend is there and she and my husband are not suffering- we are. This article has really helped me.

Last week I met a man who was widowed 3 months ago. I really like him but was concerned about how quickly it seemed that he was looking to date again we met on a dating website. Reading this has reassured me massively. Just remember to treat it like any dating situation. Because in all ways that matter, it is.

I started dating a guy about 6 months after my husband passed. He had a 3 year old and I had a 3 and 5 year old. After 8 months I ended it after he freaked out on me about visiting my dad for the day and not wanting to cook dinner for him and his kid when I got home. I was scared of what he would try to do if I told him the actual reasons why we needed to break up because of the way he acted the last few months of the relationship.

So call me an asshole but gotta do what yuh gotta do to keep your kids and you safe. After this relationship I definitely do not want to date for a long time. All I can think about is how much I miss my husband and what we had! It has now been about 15 months since he died unexpectedly and somedays it feels like the first day he was no longer with us.

If they were assholes before, they probably still are. My mother passed away and my father secretly started dating, almost immediately, after her passing. Im not certain as i have yet to be introduced to her. They are getting married and my father is moving away to were she lives. I am expected to attend the wedding, which is his 3rd marriage and not her first marriage as she is widowed as well. They are making it an elaborate wedding which i find distasteful.

My father is 70 yrs old and she is 15 yrs younger. What upsets me is he has yet to introduce his family to her. Again, noone has met this woman. I dont expect my father to remain celebate and miserable the rest of his life.

I realize he is elderly so timing is an issue for him as he may only have a few good years left. What bothers me is, again, i feel as if my feelings dont matter. Also i do truly believe they had an affair while my mother was very ill and living in a nrsg home at the time it happened. I am having a hard time finding some respecting for thi woman bc of the affair and jumping in so quickly after a man just lost his wife of 27 yrs.

I really dont want to feel this way but i cant seem to get past it. My children are also upset as is my brother. The other issue is my father was married previously before my mother for 20 yrs. He met my mom supposedly while going through his divorce.

He had 4 children which have nothing to do with him. This really doesnt seem to bother him much. Its like he left them for a whole new family when he married my mom and now i feel he is doing the same to us. I really want to be accepting of his new life. I dont want to be that adult problem stepchild but i am still greiving for my mom and dont like the sneakiness of his behavior. I dont like being lied to either as it insults my intelligence.

And theres been lies and decisions made but withheld by his choice, than disclosed after the fact. I am so confused… We had a very close family that somehow seperated sfter mom passed. It just wasnt the same.

She was the glue that held it together i guess. I know this post is old but i just need to get this off my chest. You are trying to be supportive. You are making the effort. Given that your father has effectively moved on from one family to a new one before have you thought about reaching out to your older siblings to try to get some clarity?

Go to the wedding or not. Make the effort to stay in close touch or not. More time when you are feeling abandoned by your remaining parent. Take care of you. As recently widowed was married to my best friend and soul mate and someone who kept his marriage vows, I truly appreciate this perspective.

The love of my life is gone and will not be replaced. I expect to grieve in some form the rest of my life. However, this thought that one must publicly mourn for some period of time is not healthy nor does it honor the deceased. Interesting to read the threads. I am still grieving for a dear friend who died from Stage 4 breast cancer 2 years ago. Her husband 60 quickly moved on to a girlfriend he met on the internet who lives in a nearby suburb, Within 4 months of my friends death, 35 year marriage, he was introducing the new lady friend.

He honored my friends wish that he should live life and enjoy it with a new lady, and her wish that it would not be a person from their friendship group. The lady is nice, similar age and demographic. I am sad about it I think he should have waited a year. I have met the new gf twice.

Recently she blanked me in the supermarket. There is another story like this of a very quick remarriage after a cancer death, in my circle. Just reflecting it still feels like I grieved more than he did. Those differences matter and they inform the grieving process. My husband was just four months out when we met. I think one thing that people do not realize is that when you are married to someone dying with cancer, and the spouse is a caretaker, the spouse is grieving that entire time.

My husband had cancer for 2 years terminal and I cried so many nights. I know that his friends cared about him and they were sad, but they did not experience being with him every single day and the toll it takes on the caregiving spouse. A lot of that time is grieving before the death. Just a different perspective. If you have never lost someone in this manner, it is sometimes difficult to understand. I think everyone is different but I was married 18 years and lost my husband of brain cancer and I became a widow at the age of 37 and I started dating a year after he had passed and that was not enough time I did meet a guy really liked well and when we go out on dates I would end up crying on his shoulder and not many men would let you cry on their shoulder or another man.

Firstly I must say your opinion and this thread has given me some reasurrance — and I thank you for that. Our relationship was different than most, considering that the second half of it was in long distance where we only saw each other once, during autumn The two of us come from very different cultures and countries, whereas I am Northern European, while he was middle eastern. This tended to make our relationship a bit difficult, and we struggled with disagreements.

He was also quite jealous, and I did feel like he limited me in some ways even though he would heavily disagree of ever having had that power over me. I guess questioning my own readiness should be the answer I need, but I am kind of torn in half. One part of me really wants to get back to it, but another part of me tells me I should wait.

There were guys I thought I was attracted to, when in fact it was only the attention they gave me that attracted me. My diseased boyfriend — despite the issues we had — helped me mature so much, and I no longer feel as insecure anymore.

My mother was also very clear on how I should take some time off, truly figure out who I am and what I want, before going back. Sorry about the long message, I just needed to let it all out. Dating though is sorta part of the process of figuring out what we want and reminding us of who we are. Your mother thinks time off is a must.

And by the way, thinking about dating is also part of the process of figuring out who you are and what you want. In my opinion, when you start to think about wanting to date, you are probably ready to make some actual plans to do it. Is this what you want? Decide what your goals are. And then see what happens. You are not the person you were and unlike a lot of people, you are aware of it.

If you feel ready to date, and you want to — do it. Going out for coffee is just going out for coffee. My husband of 21 yrs. He had cancer for approx. He was the love of my life, we were soulmates. He was so concerned about me being lonely so he gave me his blessing to find happiness and love again.

My heart aches for him and the tears are endless but I am 48 and have a lot more life ahead of me. I am ready to get on with my life, but am afraid of what my family and friends will say if I meet someone this soon.

My husband told his kids that he planned to date, and hopefully marry again, the month after his late wife died. Less trauma later on. Neither my husband nor I encountered overwhelming resistance or disapproval when we started dating each other though we did get a tiny bit when we decided to marry. I was a caretaker to my late husband for over 3yrs. My husband was just four months out when we met it was 11 months for me at that point and I had dated a bit. We were married six months later.

I know many widowed who dated in the first year of widowhood and even in the first month or two. Most are happy that you are happy. I am one month out and already planning on marrying someone. Granted, it is an unusual situation; he is my best friend of 22 years and my husband knew him for 6 years.

He moved away at 17 and his family forbade him to contact me. At 20, they told me that he was dead. They apparently told him the same about me. A year later I met my husband. Long story short, my husband started corresponding with him and they got to be friends, though the distance prevented us from visiting each other. He knew we had feelings for each other too, which he actually encouraged because he had aggressive lupus snd he knew he was going to die during the next flare up. His last words were for my boyfriend, asking him to marry me, which my boyfriend agreed to do.

I get to visit him this summer. We will probably marry next year. But I knew that he was dying for five months before he actually did, and grieved more during that than after.

We have loved each other since we were in our early teens. Just came across this post. I found myself widowed for a second time at the age of It feels strange to consider it. And considering it is not acting on it. Do you have a support system? There is an online support group I know of — Widda. If you are interested.

There are no rules. I will look into that site. Could use being around some people who have been down this road. Thank you for this post, this really helps. I lost by husband 5 months ago, at the age of He was my world.. We used to play world of warcraft together and were part of the same team for more than 6 years.

When our team found out, most of them reached out to me via facebook to give their condolences.. I was so touched by this. This is when I got in touch with M.

It started out quite platonically — he messaged to give his condolences and to tell me that he was there if ever I needed to scream or shout or just be my punching bag.

For some reason, I did actually do that. He was connected to F my husband and me but not in a way that if I started to break down.. After about 2 weeks of my rage..

I was pretty exhausted and decided to ask questions about him.. He had also been in a 10 year relationship and it broke for different reasons than mine. We started talking more and more and I realised that I started developing feelings for him..

How soon to start dating after spouse dies

He was completely into it and then he backed off.. From there it progressed to.. I told him to stay in the moment with me.. Now its been 2. A while ago he suggested that we meet in October.. I am totally up for it but since then.. I am not quite sure what to do. I know the obvious thing is to drop it.. I think this could actually be more if he could just get his head out of his ass.

Politely because he still responds when you initiate but still pretty much a ghost. LDRs are hard when both people are keen to make things work but at the moment, you are wanting this more than he is. You could simply chalk this up as your first post-widowed relationship. Her father is amazing, but she needs more than just him. I would hope that he could find someone who would love him and my daughter, and that they would try to help her move forward in her life and always be respectful of my memory and remind her how much she was loved.

I even wouldn't mind if some nice woman comforted my husband at my funeral and it developed into a relationship. Someone isn't more dead over time. They're the same level of dead from the first minute.

Whatever someone needs to do to move forward is what they should do. Some relationships are once-in-a-lifetime perfect fit fireworks and rainbows miracle. Those shouldn't be passed up because society might think an individual's timing is tasteless. It can be quite healthy, though not always. Grief doesn't have a set timeline but I would be concerned about someone I know moving on after only 2 months after the sudden death of their spouse of 20 years.

Like a PP mentioned, I might be concerned that they are being taken advantage of in an extremely vulnerable state, or I might worry that they are avoiding their grief and choosing denial instead by jumping quickly into a new relationship. It would depend on a lot of individual factors whether I would be concerned or not, but I can see how it could be a potential red flag for a bigger issue.

Your response got me teary-eyed. You sound very mature. It would be awful to leave my babies without a mom above all else I don't believe i would ever want another man. I have to admit that i have been very hurt by the short amount of time between a death of a spouse and a new girlfriend. I have seen this more with men. When my mimi died, my grandfather had a new girlfriend within a month.

I was as shocked as you and very angry. I was very close and i couldnt look at this new woman in my grandmothers house. It took me a long time to get over it and i m still resentful. My great aunt died two years ago, and my uncle had the maid moved in within a week literally! This woman took everything down ans threw away all my aunts stuff.

She threw away our ancestry papers my aunt had in the house. She took my aunts jewelry, whitch belongs to my family. It was my great grandmothers jewelry and her wishes was for it go to my great grandmother granddaughters, including my mother. Its really my uncles fault, he allowed this woman to this. It would hurt my aunt so badly to know he went against her wishes like this.

It makes me so sick and angry, i do not want to visit. Id be hard pressed to be civil to either of them and not go to his funeral. A timeline should not be placed on companionship or love after the death of a spouse or partner. If I died suddenly or by illness, I would hope my husband would be dating ASAP just to have someone to share life with and enjoy good times. The idea of him cooking a fun dinner, traveling or dining alone makes me want to cry.

I forgot to mention that this woman is my mother's age and he is seven five. She has been given all his bank accounts, all his money, redecorated the house for herans and she spends money like crazy. She doesn't live with him all the time, she lives in another city party. I think she has another man in the town.

After my divorce, I moved on quickly within a month. So I think it greatly depends on the individual and your state of mind at the time.

Every situation is different. Maybe he is lonely and this girlfriend is a companion or someone who takes his mind off of missing his wife. Maybe the girlfriend recently lost someone too and they are helping each other through.

We all experience grief differently and I try not to judge that. I think it's a bit judgemental to try to decide for someone else how long it should take. I see why, but surely it's entirely up to the individual person. I think all people heal differently.

3 comments

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